Arg

 Somebody finally slapped me... so now I have to start posting again. Not much to say at the moment, but I'm sure to have some grand existential ramblings later on no doubt. I feel so alone lately...

Anybody There?

I doubt anybody reads this blog, so here's a prize for those that do. Next time you see me you are allowed to slap me as hard as you want, but must say 'coo coo ca choo bitch' right after so I know you're not just slapping me for fun, and had actually read this.

With the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns

Another list, things I hate.

1. I hate people standing in the way. Like people that congregate in doorways or hallways.
2. I hate the sound of an alarm clock.
3. I hate people that hurt people, emotionally or physically, for fun.
4. I hate people that let themselves get hurt.
5. I hate hypocrites.

6. I hate people that offhandedly call people hypocrites, just to denounce their beliefs.
7. I hate alcohol.
8. I hate abortion.
9. I hate racism and prejudice.
10. I hate inundated moral codes.
11. I hate people with no moral codes.
12. I hate people who are too prideful.
13. I hate people with no pride.
14. I hate the word hate.
15. I hate the word love.

You get the idea...

You are the cause of all my pain and sadness...

   My mother abandoning me left me more fucked up than most people realize. I became very introverted afterward, and my defense mechanism became more radical. I don't trust anyone, and I expect you to leave me. I cant think of my childhood because she's there, and I get a relentless sadness. Worse yet I don't know if I can trust in love, and the very idea of falling in love brings with it a great fear and seething anger. After all, if a mother's love for her son cant remain untainted, what can?

Dream A Little Dream of Me

   Sometimes when I dream it's so vivid I have convince myself I awake in the morning. Last night started as your typical surrealist affair. I found a hat that made me more attractive to women. Despite what should be expected out of that scenario, there was nothing overtly sexual about the dream. It degraded even further from there. I was wandering around the Meijer parking lot musing about life, and my desire to have things that don't want me. But then things started feeling real. I could feel the wind on my face, and went inside. It was then that I ran into Tess (who she is is of no real consequence as I do not know her anymore). My hat was still on my head, but it's effects held no sway over the beauty before me. We walked around Meijer and talked. We discussed my thoughts about desire, and about the lies we tell ourselves about the people we care for. It was a very melancholy conversation, but for some reason left me feeling satisfied. I awoke, and as stated before I had to convince myself I was in fact awake. It didn't help that I have an unusually high recollection of the dream. Very existential, I must admit.

I Don't Believe In Peter Pan, Frankestein, or Superman.

   I don't believe in many things that aren't quantifiable (except maybe God). As stated in my last post, I do believe in precognition, but I also think looking back at history and the different 'prophets', that it is indeed quantifiable. My views on destiny are that there is no such thing. None-the-less there do seem to be certain factors in my life that pull me toward a certain fate that I don't yet know.

Random Facts - The Embarrassing Edition

Ok, this may get gross and or awkward, so viewer discretion is advised...

1. I cant spell. I use spell check for like every sentence.
2. Sometimes I think I'm clinically depressed, then laugh at the thought. I don't know why.
3. I tell people I'm afraid of spiders, but in reality I'm afraid of insects too. Even ladybugs.
4. (skip it, it's gross) Ever since I was little I have had this thing where I regurgitate food. I usually just spit it out and brush my teeth right away, but in socially awkward situations I swallow it back down. I should probably see a doctor about it.
5. I believe in precognition, but not to an exaggerated extent. I believe prophets of old really did have the ability, and they could use it better because the believed in it. A whole existential thing.
6. I'm a virgin. I want to fall in love, and if that never happens, I'll die one. No compromise.
7. I have an obsessive habit of taking my own picture. It's because I'm afraid of dieing. There's a connection I guess, but I don't know what it is.
8. I have zero tact. If I had tact I wouldn't post this.
9. Sometimes I have to count when I walk. Like 1-2-3 1-2-3. Sometimes I'll catch myself and stop.
10. Not too embarrassing, but I really want to go to Venice. It's like an unbearable desire I've had since childhood, like, there's something in Venice I have to see.
11. Last, and certainly least, I love Hello Kitty. Just so dang adorable.

Tired

   I woke up and walked to work. I was hyper at work, expending a surprising amount of energy. I then started walking home. It was halfway through said walk that I remembered I had only slept 4 hours the previous night, and had only eaten 2 apples all day. Weariness started to sink in, that sort of fatigue that makes your head hurt. I finally did make it home though, and ate something, but haven't quite recovered. It didn't help that after all that I still walked to the tattoo parlor and stood there ten minutes. I was tempted to take a nap when I got home, but knew if I did I would be up all night. On the bright side I am now scheduled to get my tattoo next Saturday at 6:30. Here is my design, of which the man at the counter was impressed (until I mentioned I stole it from a video game :3 ) 

Random Facts

1. I'm single, and adequately satisfied with that fact.
2. There is a girl I want to date, but its not who you think.
3. I'm not gay, whether you mean happy or homosexual. I mean, I am happy sometimes, but I run a full range of emotions, so not happy as a rule.
4. I hate thinking about my childhood.
5. I love hearing about your childhood.
6. I'm not naturally nice, I work very hard at it.
7. I have a mean temper, but control it well.
8. My middle name is Allen.
9. I'm unnaturally empathetic.
10. I'm dangerously apathetic.
11. When I was a kid I wanted to be a bank robber, and that's not a joke.
12. I don't want to be a bank robber anymore.
13. I'll be honest if you tell me to, but as a rule I say random crap to hide what I think.

A Short But Meaningful Poem

My Broken Angel

My friend since the beginning 

Broken down by a dull light

That never deserved to shine as bright

J&H

   I don't understand how other people think. I'm not insulting them, more like just pointing out the fact. I have no common sense when it comes to others' emotions. I say or do things that hurt them, but don't understand why. I fear people may think me callous, but I'm not. On the other hand, I do go out of my way to make people happy, although usually in a superficial way. I'll buy them something, or compliment them because I don't know a better way. So, ironically, those who don't think I'm a cold hearted bastard think I'm the nicest guy in the world. In reality, I'm just a little bit of both.  

I'm a Hater... apparently, A Masterhater even (but I came up with that one)

   Hopefully nobody actually reads this because I'm going to give away one of my biggest secrets. I am a superb manipulator, and goes along with my ability to lie on a dime (but I don't because it's easier to manipulate with the truth). I don't use the ability often, even less than I lie, and I'm brutally honest most the time. But I digress. The way in which I manipulate people is odd in that I do it passive aggressively. Never let on that I am trying to get the person to do anything at all, and even act a little disappointed that I got what I wanted. See, if the manipulated have no idea they were manipulated after the fact, they are ripe for manipulation later. Furthermore I become perceived as timid, and weak, which makes people suspect my manipulations even less. I am in no wise brilliant, but I am more smart than I let on. Now count how many times I wrote a form of the word manipulate.

   Did you count them? HAH, see, I'm good. Sucker...

More Of A Lyrical Day For Me

Black Math - The White Stripes

Don't you think that I'm bound to react now?
Well, my fingers definitely turning to black now
Yeah, maybe I'll put my love on ice
Teach myself, maybe that'll be nice, yeah

My books are sitting at the top of the stack now
Well, the longer words are really breaking my back now
Yeah
Maybe I'll learn to understand
A-drawing a square with a pencil in hand, yeah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Mathematically turning the page
Unequivocally showing my age
I'm practically center stage
Undeniably earning your wage
Well maybe I'll put my love on ice
And teach myself, maybe that'll be nice, yeah

Listen master, can you answer a question?
Is it the fingers, or the brain
that you're teaching a lesson?
Oh, can't tell you how proud I am
I'm writing down things that I don't understand
Well, maybe I'll put my love on ice
And teach myself, maybe that'll be nice, yeah

Yeah
Yeah
Yeah

    Kind of feeling lazy tonight, and I've had a very music centric day. I love this song even though I get there's a perverse innuendo to the lyrics.

Don't Waste Your Time, Or Time Will Waste You

   Music is epic, just saying. Finally got to go see some live bands that weren't country (I don't hate country, but it's not really my gig). I wish I wrote down the name of the other two bands I liked, but Remedy Blue was most excellent. Gotta thank my friend Kylie for taking me, and wish her a happy birthday today. MCR is playing April 16th and I'm so hoping to go if I can. http://www.myspace.com/remedyblue

The Eyes Have It

   Back in my old church we used to visit the old folks home on certain Sundays, and sometimes I would go to help out. Well one time I ran across this very old lady who looked deep into my face and said I had the most beautiful eyes, and that they reminded her of her husbands. It made me very sad, as I knew he must have passed some time ago judging by her look. It also made me think about my eyes, and my general contempt I've always held for them. I hate their color, the way the green and hazel never seem to mix in uniform color. Either their mostly green, with hazel haphazardly placed in the center, or mostly hazel, with splotches of green mixed at random. I would prefer they were all green myself, so I get sad that I'm so close.

   Well, yesterday a chick commented on a photo of mine and said I have pretty eyes, only the second time I ever heard that. It made me think, maybe my odd mix is just some peoples cup of tea, and all the blues eyes in the world cant compare to my odd green/hazel mix. Maybe beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and we should learn to stop dwelling so much on appearance, and know somewhere out there one man's beauty is another man's ugly.

   I've been learning lately to disregard appearances lately anyways. I will never cease to be physically attracted to girl that in my mind I've come to call 'my type', but I have come to understand that's just chemicals and hormones, and that attraction should in know way be conducive to whether or not I 'like' someone. Furthermore, neither should I focus on the 'inner' beauty, as everyone has fault. Focus too heavily on the good qualities and the bad ones will surprise you one day and bite you in the ass. Consider the person as a whole being. Love who they are, not who you think they are.

Paramore Mi Amore

Got a new Paramore poster to replace my old one. Gotta reflect the new band line-up after all.

Chunky Monkey

   Yay for ice-cream. I shouldn't be eating it with my diet and what not, but a friend gave me the craving, so I blame her (gods bless her). That's all...

Nothing a little gel wont fix...

   When some people are depressed they cut their wrists, some hit the bottle, and some seek the comfort of others... I, on the other hand, cut my hair. I am utterly depressed, so I have, in my depression, went about chopping my hair up with a pair of scissors. It looks hideous, but I feel a whole lot better. As for the cause of my depression, wouldn't you like to know... I could really use a kitten about now.

♪If I die you die too♫

   They say seeing your doppelganger is a death omen. My point being I see myself in my dreams all the time, but it's never quite me, ya know? Death omens in general are frequent in my dreams, but never quite as nightmarish as you'd expect. For one, when I say death omen I don't actually see any death, just am told about it or see some visual clue. Second, the omens are usually very exaggerated or cliched. Whether it's a raven perched on the shoulder of a friend, which is just damn cool looking anyways, or a girl leading me around foretelling the fates of all my friends, it's just delightfully macabre (and I love the macabre, God bless Tim Burton).  

Girl of my dreams, as opposed to my dream girl...

   So, ever since I was a wee lad I've always had this girl in my dreams. She has grown with me over the years. I don't have a name for her, and I doubt she was somebody I knew, although she is just your archetypal woman. Dark brown hair, just a bit shorter than me, and gray eyes. She is not even what I'd specifically call my type. She always serves a supporting role in my dreams, especially my death omens (as always, more on that later). A few times she's been a romantic interest. I always think maybe one day I'll meet her in real life, and the dreams have all been a precognitive thing. I met a girl who was very close one time, but she has left my life.
   Well, she is not what I'd call my 'dream girl' though. That girl has red hair, fair skin, probably fairly short, and a sarcastic yet caring personality. And she's wear a red and black plaid get up, a whole semi goth thing going. ooh, and knee high leather boots. Something likes this (but with leather boots)...

Universal Truths

   'It belongs to all of us', a common theme in my dreams. I think it's my subconscious desire to let everyone know how I feel, which I often tend to do. Tact is not my middle name. If I like a girl, she knows. If I don't like you, you know. People tend to think that I'm kidding, but I'm usually dead serious. One example is my Lauren dream (refer to an older post), but I will set forth another example, and hopefully entertain you, my dear readers.
   The setting, an alternate Ionia. My alternate Ionia is like our main street,  but kind of travels in a circle. Almost a noir like texture to the atmosphere. The players, Me, Jessyka, Jessica W., and GMD (girl of my dreams, a literal analogy). Jessica W. was robbing a bank, but only took a small bag, and me and Jessyka were out to stop her. We chased her down the city street traveling in circles. We passed a giant snake shooting a machine gun at us (damn giant reptiles). We finally cornered her in an ally, and we were sure we caught her. That's when GMD got the drop on us from behind. We were perplexed, and asked why she was doing this. She said because 'it belongs to all of us'. I looked in the bag that Jess W had stolen and saw myself crying, which I haven't done since my mom left, and then woke up. It's one of those dreams I wish I had forgotten when I woke up, but I only forget the best ones.

'Bipolar Music Fan'

Been on a 'band shirt' kick lately. Started with my most illustrious Paramore shirt, then The Rolling Stones, then Muse (finally), and now I bought a Sex Pistols shirt (picture below). I asked Jess to get me a Zeppelin shirt or Strokes one for my birthday, but she said it would be late, so that may never happen. I need Blue Oyster Cult and Queen and I'll be complete. I'll wear em all at once on Halloween and go as a bipolar music fan.

Meh

No real post today, so I leave you some lyrics and a pic.

I Ventricle You

   ...That Is The Question

Heart torn in two

Between myself and you.

Give into my stupid pride

Or be by your side?

Easier said then done

I know you are the one.

But we're on different paths

And what if love doesn't last?

   Ok, explanation. This has been cooking in my head all day. I heard a song this morning, and for some reason the lyrics got me in a poetic mood. The title is in reference to 'To be or not to be...' from Hamlet. This isn't really meant towards anybody, just a generalized feeling on love and self sacrifice.

'... but you're the one who shot me.'

   Continuing my 'women kill me' thing, I'll expand on the Lauren shooting me with a toy gun part. So the setting was the Cathedral of all places, but think more of an Inception type thing. This, for me, was obvious as I was texting her earlier that day and she said she had watched Inception like a million times (and I gave it to her her copy). She was trying to steal one of my books, and I was adamant in stopping her. There was a random giant lizard somewhere in the mix (I have a thing about giant reptiles in my dreams). I was like, why are you taking that? and she said, because it belongs to all of us (a common theme for me, that I might expand on later). Then other things that are fuzzy, as dreams are want to be. She then pulled a nerf pistol on me (which I bought her on a weird whim for Christmas) and shot me 3 times. Being nerf, the bullets didn't even reach me, making Lauren very wroth. She was like, dammit, and started banging it with her hand. I laughed hard and woke up.

'My love for you was bullet-proof...'

   Sometimes I dream that all the women in my life are trying to kill me. It all started one day when I watched Tomorrow Never Dies as a kid, and had a James Bond style dream where I kept getting double crossed by girls I knew. Sometimes the dreams are violent, but often just comical. Lauren tried shooting me with a toy gun I bought her for Christmas, that was odd. I don't know if any extenuating circumstance provokes these dreams. I'm not romantically interested with many of these girl (cant honestly say none), although Nicky did try to choke me once, which is a sign of passion I guess (of which we lacked either way). I analyze my dreams, which is insane, I know. 

Disordered Personality

Persona

 I'm like something outa a nightmare

 Something with a little scifi flare

 But honey, there's no need to despair

 Just blink, and I'm not their.

 In your head, and behind your eyes

 Tell no truth, and hold no lies

 My smile is your disguise 

 I'm the only one you despise.

Lower the curtain and take a bow

No one else can find out how

Friends and family disavow

The time for leaving is right now.

Go through life without a plan

'Chin up bucko' and be a man

   Ok, double meaning. My body has been taken over by a space monster :) but obviously it's deeper than that. This is my inner thoughts talking to me, telling me who I really am, and that how I act and appear on the outside cant hide the fact. I'm also saying I hate myself for what I truly am, but feel I need to leave, let the true me out.

The Library Cathedral

   So, ever since I was a kid I have had dreams of libraries. Well, one day (or night as it were) when I was dreaming I came upon a most peculiar building. It was a cathedral of such grandeur, larger than I could even see. I couldn't find the entrance, and my brother came to help me. Now, it appeared to us that there was a rather extensive graveyard in the back of the cathedral, and we decided to explore. It was in an ornate mosoleum that I finally found the entrance. The first room I came into was filled with pews of the most vivid red. Monks walked about saying nothing. It was upon roaming through the rest of the cathedral that I realized it was filled with book. More books than could have possibly have been written.
   I woke then, but I have been there many times. It is like my safe haven. Whenever life gets complicated I visit the Library Cathedral. It never fails. And sometimes if a dream is getting too intense, I'll walk through a door and find myself there. Sometimes my friends are there, sometimes the monks, and sometimes just me.

   Over the years the Cathedral has been given more form. It doesn't always look exactly the same, but follows the same rules. The first rooms are always normal real world books, but deeper in I run into secret books, books on religion and politics. Even deeper and I can read about myself, my inner thoughts, memories lost in the sands of time. I'm always at peace in the Cathedral.  

First Post

 For My first post I will post the first poem I ever wrote and made public lol

              Lament the Sky
I dreamed I was falling through the sky
I could feel the air between my fingers
I then knew joy and excitement

Through the wind I could hear a cry
And in my ears her voice did linger
A voice I did not recognize

I said, fear not if I should die
I'll wake before I hit the ground
But her voice called all the same

I started to fear for her
I wanted to comfort her
But I could not reach her

I no longer enjoyed the sky
This open, cold death bringer
Why did she take away my happiness?

Sad, no?